he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
