i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
