conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
FUCK WHALES
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