look no pants
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
