her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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