I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
