So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
