census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
