so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
