Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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