There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
