Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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