DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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