I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
