somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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