The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
