The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
