Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
