my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
