youre lurking in front of me
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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