Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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