she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize