so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
