my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
