Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
