Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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