yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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