I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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