Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
