i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
