Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
