Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
my poor anus
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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