just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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