I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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