At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
