she takes plan B like it's going out of style
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
