You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
