Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize