o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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