do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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