I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
