hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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