I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
