I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
