I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
