Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There's always time for handjobs
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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