Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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