I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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