is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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