Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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