Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
