I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
