I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
