If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
