My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
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