The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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