cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there was a trapeze. enough said
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
