why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
